« I’m not happy with my husband, we’ve been married for 15 years and we have a child. I don’t know what to do anymore: staying with him or getting divorced? Please help me! »
« I’m not happy with my husband, we’ve been married for 15 years and we have a child. I don’t know what to do anymore: staying with him or getting divorced? Please help me!”
Anonymous alias Emily
Thank you very much for your question and your trust! Your situation is not an easy one. For 15 years, you loved your husband, you’ve built a home and you saw your kid coming to life. You told him about your joys, your doubts and he helped you through difficult times. He was here for you! More than a husband, he was a pillar of your life.
Unfortunately, bit by bit, problems arose between you, a distance has been created and arguments have become your daily life! A malaise has taken place and gradually when you come home… your stomach twists into knots… your throat closes up… your blood pressure rises. Your house is not home-friendly anymore, despite the presence of your child.
Today, the situation has gone completely out of control and you have to deal with this terrible question: will I try again or will I turn over a new leaf by getting a divorce, with everything that’ll entail?
Just by the thought that maybe you are about to get a divorce, you get a little dizzy and light-headed, your blood’s pressure is lowering and tears are just streaming down your face. How could you say goodbye to 15 years of your life in common? How could you do that to your child? How will you deal with your failure as a wife? And finally, you think you are incapable of making great things in your life.
Emily, I’ll try to help you, but it will require a lot of courage.
If love disappeared despite having tried everything to save your relationship with your husband, I think that deep down, you already know the answer to your question.
I’m not saying that divorcing your husband is something banal, almost natural and that everyone should ask for it… This is not my point! When a person tried everything to save its marriage and when love is gone, there is no point persisting.
A divorce cannot be considered as a failure though. You have lived together some wonderful years and your love was sincere and authentic. When you got married, all was just happiness… you loved him with all your heart… He wasn’t the perfect man, but he was perfect to you!
However, a person is not a static thing, it changes over time, with its load of experience and personal thinking. The person you have been in the past, doesn’t exist anymore, it moved with time, so did the World and so did your husband!
In the World, nothing remains as it is. Evolving is a characteristic of Nature! We must accept change. A happy person is a person who is not afraid of it. Changing allows one to evolve. It is the opportunity of living new experiences.
« The Now » is the only thing that’s for sure. You had wonderful years as a couple but the love that you used to have for each other disappeared. Why should you stay prisoner of your past and not allow yourself to live the present? Your past is now thoughts and feelings, but doesn’t exist any longer. The only thing that you have is your present.
What about your future? It is a hypothetical and imaginary concept. Your imagination is a thing that you can control. You can make the choice to believe that after your divorce, you will be unhappy, alone, a loser, not deserving a second chance and your child unhappy because of you. Or you can believe in a brighter future for you and your family. Yes, the period of the divorce will be difficult, of course… because saying goodbye to your past, what you have built with your heart and your soul will be hard…. But after the pain, happiness is waiting for you, with new opportunities and a new journey with you as the captain!
You will take care of your own life, and you will not act because you must but because you decide it consciously, each day, and because it’s worth living it!
With your thoughts, your imagination, you have the right to believe that the universe will put on your way, somebody that will match the person you’ve become. But above all, you have to learn to love you again, to believe you are the wonderful person that you really are! You will need to take some time to rediscover your true self and to make some adjustments to your new life. It will be better even for your child to get a more peaceful environment! Seeing his mommy happy again after the disputes, the crying and the tears, will be very important for him to apprehend the situation.
Besides, you won’t be alone during this period, your friends and family will be here to support you! And finally, by giving you the possibility to know you again, you will allow yourself to meet new people and little by little, tears, doubts, will be replaced by joy!
Life is impermanent and we should accept it, despite the fear of change. Change is neither good nor bad. It is integrant to our life. You have the choice to live this change in fear, shame, guilt, anger, resentment… or with serenity, love, compassion, empathy and forgiveness…
It’s up to you now! You are the only one that can make it real.
You are not alone, a caring energy is all around you, it will take care of you!
Believe in yourself and with your thoughts and your heart, become the wonderful person that you wanna be!